Fast forward....a couple years. O.o

It's so cliche, but, damn, time flies. Before I whirl myself into all of the updates in my life, I want to take the time to acknowledge the Katelyn from almost two years ago. Reflecting back on my prior entries tonight, I was slightly saddened to see this vibrant, enthusiastic young woman who was fighting a battle against herself. I reflect on how much has changed in my life in that frame of time; and that which has not. Either way, both versions of myself, past and present, are still incredible ;)

I never did end up losing my goal of 30 pounds by my birthday, although I DID win that weigh-in at my local gym. I didn't get the 200 bucks, but I did get some personal satisfaction. In August 2010 I had my spouse (at the time) move in to help out with Evan; he wasn't paying child support, I was working and going to school full-time, and it was such a financial strain to entertain additional daycare for my employment. I thought having "asshole" (as I will fondly refer to him) here would help foster a relationship between he and our son, and in retrospect, I realize, I shouldn't have been the one pushing that "fostering". To sum up a long and DRAMATIC saga, asshole was here for a total of five weeks. In that period of time, he managed to obliterate my computer, attempt obliteration of my cell phone, smash my door, steal money from my bank account by using electronic checks, leave our son unattended while he passed out on the couch, AND make my life a living hell. I also conceived our second son. Before you begin throwing your judgments and "what-the-hell-was-she-thinking" 's out there, I plead my case with a simple reminder that I am human. Very human, I concede, regretfully...as much as I would like to think I am superwoman. And that's about it. I managed to lure asshole away with bribery: a carton of cigarettes. Yes, it was that easy, and I haven't seen him since (praise all that is Holy). So, I trekked through my first year of the Nursing program pregnant and managed to keep my wits about me. I was never lonely, though...Evan has been the best little sidekick I could ever ask for. He has blossomed into such an inquisitive, loving, intelligent, and handsome little man. He turned 3 this past November, and while I rejoice in all of his new accomplishments as he gains independence, I still haven't forgotten the lines of his face the first time I cradled him in my arms. I am lucky to have him; he will always be my baby boy. Ethan Scott was born May 10, 2011--7 lb and 4 oz of lovingly squishy goodness. He made the duo a trio, and we couldn't be more complete together. It's uncanny how the things you least expect in life turn out to be the things that you need the most. When I gave birth to Evan, I was pleasantly surprised just how much one person could love another human being. When I gave birth to Ethan, I was even more pleasantly surprised to find my heart had all of the love in this world to share with both of my sons. My peanut, as I affectionately call him, is such a stark contrast to his big brother. He LOVES cuddle time, exploring every nook and cranny that he shouldn't, and stealing all of his big brother's cars (much to Evan's dismay). I had never imagined that I--having dreamed of law school and perpetual scholastic achievements--would ever become a single mother to two children. We aren't the statistic. We are full of life and love and laughter. And if given the opportunity, I would do it all over again. They are worth every heartache, and every sacrifice that leads me to where I am today.

*Descends from soap box....*

As for me, I'm in my final semester of Nursing. I'm scared and apprehensive, but eager to close this chapter. Thankfully, I feel competent enough that I won't kill anyone on the floor ;) I am still facing the same internal struggles I did two years ago. My weight has gotten out of control thanks to a lack of self-discipline and a plethora of excuses. It has been four long years that I have had this nagging voice in my head, each day, urging me to make a change. To seek out that plateau of self-love and appreciation again. Today marks the first day of my journey. I am taking phentermine as an aid to jumpstart my goal, and subsequently had to let go of the beautiful breastfeeding bond I had with Ethan. It is bittersweet, but I refuse to let go in vain; I WILL do this. 2012 is my year. I started out at 231.6 this morning. How AWFULLY depressing. I cannot live another day hating my reflection, when I know that this is plausible; this is DOABLE! It's as simple as saying no. My first day of phentermine went well. It gave me this incredible boost of jittery energy for the entire day. I drank well over a gallon of water, and made excellent decisions with my entrees. I ended the day at Shapes in the most awesome class that probably exists. I danced my little ass off and sweat enough for a small Army. It was divine, and I look forward to doing it again. No real game plan except to plan meals ahead of time, focus on lean meats that are high in protein and low in fat, plenty of veggies and fruits, and lowering the amount of carbs I am consuming. WATER WATER WATER. Portion control....and recognizing that it's OK to make small goals. I need to take my measurements, but, alas, I am beyond the point of exhaustion this evening. Tomorrow. For real for real. In addition to a more concise post.

I am strong. I am committed. I am ready for change.

Good night <3

What day is this? Scratch it.

Soooo, where to begin. How about the part where I totally veered off of my diet and the only time I went to the gym was the Wednesday session I was accountable for. Yep, that's a good point. When my sister-in-law came down for a week to visit, I discovered an interesting facet about myself which I didn't know prior: I'm easily distracted. Wait...what? Kidding :) This has been a big flaw of mine for a while. I made the conscious decision to NOT go to the gym, to over-indulge my body to its cravings and whims, and well..I paid for it. I ended up right back at my starting point of 200 pounds.
So, one day, a little over a week ago, I decided to peruse Barnes and Noble for a couple of good reads. I came across a book whose title was so striking, I just HAD to buy it (did I mention I am impulsive as well?!). SKINNY BITCH. I fell in love. Now, to preface this a bit, I bought the book thinking it was a no-nonsense approach to getting skinny. I yearned for that bluntness and cruelty...I guess I like the punishment. Anywho, upon diving in to the book, I discovered that the whole fucking book had an entirely different, hidden agenda. According to the authors, the only way you can be SKINNY, is to be VEGAN. I was livid! I punched the book a few times in disgust, dropped a few swear words cursing the authors, but I was still hooked. As a result, to sum this whole thing up, I have decided to go animal-free (or mostly). I will most definitely eliminate meats from my diet, and already have for the past week. I have managed to abstain thus far from dairy and eggs (including cheese, eek!), but I think I will provide myself a little leeway and just make sure I buy organically.
I DID NOT MAKE THIS A DIET DECISION. I have not cut out these foods because I want to be a rabbit and get so skinny I attract all men and procreate as fast as them...but quite honestly, the research that backed up the book's claims were appalling. I'm not going to delve into all of the factual evidence the authors included in their novel, if you are interested, I highly encourage you purchase Skinny Bitch and do a little additional research on your own.
I made this decision to be healthy and to cleanse my body of all of the shit I have been fueling it with for the past 23 years. In just a week, I feel so renewed and breezy :) I feel damn good. I absolutely REFUSE to buy any produce from regular supermarkets, unless I can guarantee that they are organic and credible by more than just the USDA. Yes, government, you can keep your billion pound of pesticides you use annually out of my temple.
In addition to making this lifestyle change, which was CHANGING the way I looked at food, I hit the gym. Hard. And it feels absolutely wonderful! The past four days I have been in nonstop....no less than an hour-and-a-half each time. Today, I conquered a curious fear I had: cycling. That shit is no joke, people. An hour long cycling course which kicked my ass....BUT, I finished, and my ass thanked me afterwards :) On top of cycling this morning for that hour, I did an additional hour working on my legs and arms. I love feeling the burn of my muscle fibers ripping and shredding. And to think, I get to do it all again tomorrow...makes me enthralled!
So far, since this past Wednesday, which is what.....4 days? I have lost 4 pounds. Teetering on 5. It's a beautiful thing, my friends. I devour water, now...drinking around 3 L a day. I pee a lot...I do the other thing a lot ;) and my body is screaming in satisfaction.
The only dilemma I face, is how I choose to incorporate my new lifestyle with Evan's. I believe that going vegetarian or vegan is a personal choice. And while I want my son to eat healthy and be healthy, I also want him to be a kid....and kids love chicken nuggets. So I have come to the conclusion, I will buy everything organic and free-range from him. It's not cheap, but I feel a little less guilty knowing that Bessie the cow didn't suffer incredible amounts of pain, and that she didn't live her whole life crowded into a pen. We all win.
So, that's it for now. I have three weeks until I weigh in at the challenge. I am thinking in three weeks, I should definitely be able to lose fifteen pounds. We shall see :) I like to win. Losing is not an option.

Day 7 and 8

I have reclaimed my motivation, people. To sum it up, I have been killing it in the gym! Sweat pouring, muscles aching, feelin' good-kind-of-great-motivation. Day 7 was awesome: ran two miles! I ran the first mile straight, granted, in 12 minutes--but STILL! Woop woop. I did the second mile in sprints; walked for thirty seconds, sprint for 30 seconds at 7.5 mph. I was pleased :) I have been concentrating a lot on my arms and my legs after my runs. Utilizing the gym equipment to the point of muscle exhaustion. I love the feeling of the ache and burn. I absolutely love weight training :)
Today, Day 8, was my SECOND week for the Get Fit challenge. Last week the trainer tore my ass to pieces--like, no joke, I thought I was going to have to call someone to drive me home because my leg didn't want to switch between the gas and brake pedals. Funny but sad....and unfortunately, beyond true ;) Anywho, this week was MUCH, MUCH better. I still had my ass handed to me in the workout and I emptied about 1.5L of sweat onto the gym floor it seems, but my muscles don't feel like falling off of my bones yet--so, signs of improvement! Which is a great things, because last week I couldn't move for days and it really hindered my motivation with the gym and my diet.
I have just been rocking it. On the morning of Day 8 I weighed 197.....not a vast change, but enough, considering I was out of commission for those few days with my muscles hating on me, and I cheated a few times on my diet in the very beginning. I am very happy to say that I haven't had a soda in days; haven't exactly kept count, but it's been a while (keep in mind, I used to drink a ton of soda every day). I have significantly increased my intake of water :)
My body feels happier already!

Day 6 and the in-between.

Wow, WHAT a busy weekend! I love how my one week off of school was spent running around and tending to my little man ;) Things never work out the way you anticipate, and I would be one of the first to scream "hallelujah" to that shit.
My motivation declined over the weekend in regard to my diet and workout. I was at my buddy's house overnight on Friday night (Day 3), and didn't get back home until Saturday evening (she graduated :); Day 4 ) While I did have a great time, I was feeling gloriously guilty at the same time. I NEED to stay on track with this diet, and I NEED to put my "all" into the gym workouts. Mother's Day (Day 5) was spent cleaning like a wild woman, and rushing to WalMart last minute because, yes, this girl totally waited until the last plausible moment to purchase her mother's gift. She loved it, though!
While I didn't eat a horrendous amount of food, nor did I clog my arteries with a bunch of trans fats, I didn't adhere to a "healthy" meal plan or work on my fitness. Today (Day 6) was MUCH, MUCH better start :) I reclaimed all of the lost motivation. Today, I ate a bagel with fat-free strawberry cream cheese for breakfast, a special K bar in between my hectic class schedule, a pear before my workout, and a plate of spaghetti for din din. I also managed to guzzle quite a bit of water, AND I worked out in the gym for an hour. I ran a mile straight without stopping, did 5 minutes on the elliptical (which WHOOPED my ass), and then concentrated on weight-training my legs and arms. Spent about five minutes in the sauna afterwards, and I was a happy camper at the end of it all.
Kind of felt like I didn't get much of a workout, though. This past Wednesday killed me. That trainer murdered my muscle fibers lol. I seriously didn't feel better until Sunday, anyway; I could hardly move without looking like a cripple (it was sad :( )
My sister-in-law is coming into town on Thursday, so I am hoping to keep up with the gym while she is here. Just a little tidbit; gotta run!

Day 1 and 2.

I decided that the first day of the "Get Fit" challenge would be the starting point for my weight-loss journey. I planned on having my "last supper" (so-to-speak) and gulping down as many Pepsi's as my body would metabolize (lol), but my agenda was rattled by Evan coming down with a 105 degree fever. I was still able to make it to the first day of the challenge at the gym, and DAMN, my body is sore today! Seriously, I didn't think I was going to be able to drive after that hour, because my legs felt like lead! It was an awesome workout, though. Nonstop, and using only our bodies and 5 lb weights. I tried keeping note of all of the exercises we did so that I could utilize it in the upcoming week. There are only 3 people who signed up for the challenge, and I am, by far, the heaviest person there. It kind of shocked me. Either people are shy, or I am really that overweight. Either way, it didn't deter my motivation. In my head, I got this shit in the bag ;) 1st place in all of the Shapes centers takes home $200, and the person who loses the most inches in our Port Richey gym wins an hour of personal training ($75 value). I'll take it--with 30 pounds missing, as well :)
Anywho, my whole night was jacked up afterwards. My son was so sick that I ended up taking him to the ER and I had a Mountain Dew for fuel. Bad choice, I know. So far today I have been doing pretty well with my diet selections. Had a bagel with fat-free cream cheese (mmm, delish) around 3, and had a rotisserie chicken without the skin and some mac-n-cheese for dinner. I can't help that I am a pasta freak, I just need to learn to incorporate small portions into my diet.
I've decided to start back up on Alli as well. I started taking the pill about 3 months ago, and lost 8 pounds within 2 weeks. Unfortunately, I gave up on it and myself afterwards, gaining all of the lost weight back plus some. This time, I intend on sticking to a low-fat diet, using Alli, and many, many, many days in the gym :) I am a hardcore soda addict, so that will be the hardest adjustment. For now, I am going to limit myself to one a day, and slowly weed it out to only water.
I will do weekly weigh-ins and pictures, as much as I despise the idea of putting pictures of myself out there to everyone. I need to be accountable, and hopefully this blog and the support of others will make me be.
Off to go clean; a work-out isn't in the agenda tonight, as my legs can barely move. Hopefully Evan's fever will subside overnight and I will be able to work out tomorrow! Fingers crossed.

A new beginning.

There are so many facets of my identity which have seemed to elude me the past couple of years. I am tired of making excuses for myself, and for justifying my bad habits. It's time to get healthy, feel confident, and regain my old self--then I'll be UNSTOPPABLE.

My story is too long and I am too lazy to type it all out, but this past year and a half has been sort of a "rebirth" for me. I welcomed into the world my beautiful son, Evan, who is my motivation for all that I do and accomplish.

I moved back home to Florida, and am ECSTATIC to be settled back into my element. I have discarded emotional baggage to find myself stronger and more resilient than I ever imagined possible. I am attending school to fulfill my dreams. Honestly, life couldn't get much better.

Before I found out that I was pregnant, I gained a lot of weight after an injury suffered in the Army. Just as I became motivated to shed the pounds, I found out I was pregnant! Needless to say, with Evan turning 18 months old this month, the "baby weight" excuse is a little unjustified ;) I need to catalogue my triumphs and tribulations, so that I can reflect back throughout my journey and remind myself how far I've come.

*GULP* I weigh 200 pounds right now. I look in the mirror sometimes and wonder how I could have let myself go as far as I have. I don't enjoy my reflection; I avoid it. I hide behind baggy clothes and ill excuses to avoid the truth. I recently joined Shapes and enrolled in their "Get Fit" challenge which commenced yesterday. 6 weeks. My goal is to lose 30 pounds by my birthday, July 31st. We shall see how far I go. I have a lot more to lose past that, but it's that fire under my ass that I need lit :)